Move, You Fragger!
by icanhascamaro
Summary: Post TF2007. Sam likes a particular song. Mikaela doesn't. Sam decides to show Mikaela how great the song can be, using Ratchet as a way to do so. Why Ratchet? Because Sam wants to prove that he's right and Bee likes living dangerously.


**Summary: **Post TF2007. Sam likes a particular song. Mikaela doesn't. Sam decides to show Mikaela how great the song can be, using Ratchet as a way to do so. Why Ratchet? Because Sam wants to prove that he's right and Bee likes living dangerously.

**Rating:**PG13 for potty mouths

**Disclaimer:**I don't own Transformers.

**Story Background: **Really AU. Artistic liberties taken regarding the location of a post-TF2007 N.E.S.T. base. Tranquility is set in California for this story, because it makes more sense to me. And for the sake of the story, Bee's vocalizer is completely repaired.

x o x o

**E**ven though she was currently riding around in one of the coolest cars known to man, and even though said car was actually a sixteen foot tall alien robot _from another planet_, the radio of said robot's alt-mode was currently playing what Mikaela found to be the world's most annoying song.

And her boyfriend, her sweet, endearing, nerdily cute boyfriend was singing along.

_Poorly_.

"Sam, I swear to God, if you don't find a different song, I'm going to break up with you."

"I've got the moves like…Wha?"

"Same for you, Bee. I'll find a new alien to ride around in and he won't be you."

The song abruptly cut off with the sound effect of a record being scratched and there was sudden and blessed silence.

Mikaela sighed in relief. "_Thank_ you."

"So you don't like that song?"

"No, Sam, it's not that I don't like that song."

"Oookay."

"I _**hate**_ that song," the dark haired girl said. "And if either of you ever play it again - in any way, shape, or form - there will be hell to pay."

The Camaro, who gleamed ever so brightly in the hot California sun, slowly eased forward as traffic slowly inched its way along. They were stuck in traffic on their way to the beach.

Everyone and their grandmamma going to the beach on a hot summer day? _What_ a surprise.

"There's nothing you like about that song?" Sam cautiously asked, after a few moments of radio silence.

"Other than when it's over?" Mikaela looked over at Sam with the kind of overly sweet smile that said the exact opposite of its meaning (aka "I'm pretty pissed off right now, so shut the fuck up if you know what's good for you.").

"Uh huh."

Mikaela sighed and looked thoughtful. "I guess the lead singer is pretty cute."

"The lead singer?"

"You were the one who asked," Mikaela said, with another of those sickeningly sweet smiles.

"So what _do_ you want to listen to?" Sam asked, wisely offering up control of the radio (Bee's radio, btw and thank you very much), to his girlfriend.

"The Backstreet Boys," she said without hesitation.

"Mikaela! _Why_?!"

"Because I'm in a 90's mood today."

"Why not Greenday, or…or…Maroon 5?" Sam finished lamely.

Mikaela pierced him with a dark expression. "Do _**not**_ try to slide that past me, Sam. I'm not falling for it." She glared at the dashboard. "Backstreet Boys, Bee, and make it 'As Long As You Love Me'."

Sam groaned and slid down further into the driver's seat, but the Cybertronian complied.

Satisfied, Mikaela sang along, on key because she had mad singing skillz in addition to being gorgeous, and the three continued to make their way towards the beach.

_This means war,_ Sam thought darkly, as he kept up the appearance of driving his best bud. _And I happen to have a sixteen foot tall ace up my sleeve._ He chuckled, stared over at Mikaela (who missed his evil laugh because she was still happily singing along with the 90's boy band) and stared back out at the road.

_This isn't over by a longshot._

x o x o

It was a few days later when the perfect opportunity came to light. Sam and Bee were driving back to Sam's house after a horrible day at school. Bee happened to have had an open comm with Ratchet (which meant that Sam could hear the conversation via Bumblebee's radio speakers) when the medic seemed unable to contain his irritation at California traffic any longer.

Verbally, of course. Optimus would be less than pleased with the collateral damage that would result from unleashing that irritation with cannon fire.

_:Move, you fragger!: _Ratchet's voice snarled through Bumblebee's speakers, startling Sam while at the same time interrupting that very special song that was so very hated by Mikaela.

"What the…" the teenager blinked at the anger in the medic's voice. "Bee, did you record that, by _any_ chance?"

"Record what?" Confusion tinted Bumblebee's response.

"What Ratchet just said." A pause. "He didn't just hear what I just asked you, did he?"

"No, he didn't. Not unless you somehow have a comm link of your own with him."

"Har har," Sam shot a sour look at the dash. "You know what I mean."

Bee chuckled. "Yes, Sam, much like your own consciousness does, we record everything as it happens. Why?"

Somehow missing what Bee had said other than "yes" Sam rambled on. "Because I've just thought up of the greatest idea in history." Sam snickered at his Greatest Idea. "Mikaela is gonna love it."

Ratchet, unaware that he was the spark of the Greatest Idea in History, continued fuming through the comm link.

"Get that, and that, and – " Sam trailed off and blinked at a particularly venomous sounding Cybertronian phrase. "Any chance I can get a translation of _that_? He sounded really pissed."

Bumblebee chuckled.

x o x o

It took a few days worth of tweaking, moving phrases around, and synching the lyrics to the music, but in the end, Sam was very satisfied with his foray into the music industry.

"Think we can do a video as well?"

Bumblebee, in his mech form, shook his head. "I think that would be unwise, Sam. The song alone is going to be a true test of how fast I am."

"You being fast has nothing to do with this. I mean, we don't have to bring Ratchet into it, Bee," Sam said dismissively, then giggled as a particular lyric played. "Uh, because, you know, I'm not _that_ suicidal."

Bee gave Sam a pointed look.

"Well, beside this song idea." Sam nodded his head as the song finished. "Yeah, I think that'll be just freaking awesome."

"So, we're going to go pick up Mikaela?"

"Oh yeah," Sam said as Bee shifted into his Camaro alt. "And when she ends up loving _this_ version, you gotta pay up."

Bee opened the driver's door and closed it after Sam got in. "And when she ends up _not_ liking the song?"

"Not gonna happen, Bee." Sam sat back in the seat and wrapped his fingers around the top of the steering wheel. "I _know_ Mikaela. She's gonna love it."

x o x o

The Overlook was particularly gorgeous that afternoon. The sun was high in the sky as the song Sam (and Bee) had worked on so hard those three days was winding down. Both teens were sitting inside of Bee's alt-mode. Unobservant to his girlfriend's reaction, Sam was jamming along with the song, tapping at the steering wheel and singing along.

When the song had finished its last trilling whistle, Sam looked over at Mikaela, certain that his audio prowess was unmatched, and felt a slight twinge of unease at his girlfriend's expression. "So, did you like it?"

"Sam," Mikaela breathed out. "You're unbelievably…"

"Awesome?" Sam felt smug. "I know."

"_Suicidal_."

"What?" Sam said at the same time that Bee mumbled out, "That's what I told him."

"You're incredibly dense, aren't you?" Mikaela twisted around in the seat and slapped at the center console. She ignored the slight shift of the Cybertronian they were sitting in. "I mean, I always kind of _thought_ that you were, but damn, Sam! If Ratchet hears even a single note of this song, much less _an entire __**verse**_, he's gonna kill you!"

"Bee helped." Sam said with a slight pout. "I can't believe you didn't like it!"

Mikaela blinked. "Bumblebee, you actually helped him with this stupid thing?"

"It's not stupid!"

"I kinda thought it was funny," the mech said, ignoring Sam's dejected mumble. "And, you know, after thousands of vorns of fighting, it's not like we all couldn't use a bit of humor."

"You used Ratchet," Mikaela said pointedly. "In a song!"

"Just his voice," Sam defended himself. "Ratchet's the one that said all that stuff."

The girl glared at her boyfriend. "You guys _autotuned_ Ratchet."

Sam snickered.

Mikaela slapped Sam's upper arm. "Jackass! What if Ratchet hears what you guys did?"

"Uh…he won't?" Sam rubbed at his arm and glanced at Bee's dash uneasily. "Right, Bee?"

"Well…I might have let Sideswipe hear a little, teeny, tiny, bit of the song…"

"Sideswipe?!" Sam's eyes widened, and he ignored Mikaela's groan as she slumped into the seat. "What do you mean you _**might**_ have let Sideswipe hear a little of it?"

Getting a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach, Mikaela narrowed her eyes. "Define 'a little'."

"All of it?"

"Bee!" Sam yelped (out of surprise from what Bee had done and also because Mikaela hit him again). "How could you?! I thought we were bros!"

"_Bros before hos!"_ Bumblebee's speakers played a quote from Miles.

"Touché," Sam acquiesced.

"Sideswipe inquired as to what we were doing," Bumblebee said in his own defense. "And he was the one who thought of adding the echo effect."

"Yeah? That was pretty awesome." Sam grinned, until he saw his girlfriend's dark glare (and another hit) aimed his way. He coughed and frowned. "I mean, damn, this sucks." He looked back over at Mikaela, who had lowered her arm, and sighed. "Any chance Sideswipe _hasn't_ shared the song with the entire base?"

Bumblebee vented a sigh. "If I were to determine that by the number of pings I've been getting over the last half hour?"

Sam shook his head. "Pings, uh, like, comm requests?"

"Yes, Sam."

The teen thumped the steering wheel with one hand. "So? Did he spill it or not?"

"Well…"

"You haven't been ignoring the pings, have you?" Mikaela asked.

"No, I've been talking with Sideswipe."

"And?" Mikaela prodded.

"He said that we have about ten more minutes before Ratchet gets here."

Mikaela groaned. "So Ratchet knows."

"It would appear so." The Camaro shifted restlessly on his tires. "Yes."

Sam fumbled in his pocket and pulled out his cellphone.

Mikaela stared at him. "What are you doing?"

"Final video," Sam said as he scrolled through the apps on his phone. "You know, last words and testimonials. Last confessions. 'Kaela, make sure my parents get this. Since Ratchet won't kill you or anything, my phone should be safe with you."

A plasma burst suddenly flew past the driver's side, exploding into the grass of the overlook. As the windows were down, clumps of dirt and grass landed in Sam's lap.

Sam shrieked and dropped his phone. "Bee, go, go, _**GO**_!"

Bumblebee needed no further prodding, strapping both teens in with seatbelts as he floored it. Dirt and grass were flung up in great clouds and clods as the flashy golden Camaro sped in a great arc right at, and past, the chartreuse Search and Rescue Hummer that was speeding their way.

_(One lengthy "road rage filled, high speed chase, in which Sam repeatedly screams like a little girl, and Mikaela wonders what she's gotten herself into" later…)_

The N.E.S.T. base outside of Tranquility, California was pretty tranquil that day. Soldiers were doing their normal base routines (training, maintaining equipment, and of course Epps was having a blast annoying Lennox) and enjoying the quiet day.

Being that a _standard_ day generally involved engaging Decepticons in battle, and subsequently taking them down (because they were the good guys and that's what they were supposed to do), there was also the fact that the team went out not knowing who would be returning to the base dead or alive.

That there was nothing going on today meant a nice, laid back, no one dies, sort of day.

However, Sideswipe had taken it upon himself to promoting Sam's foray into the music industry. Which is how Ratchet found out about everything. The first release of Sam's song had been leaked in the wash racks, where Sideswipe had been enjoying a Wash N Wax while in his alt-mode. The Song had been blasting from his speakers, and the two soldiers that had been providing said Wash N Wax had been bopping along with the catchy music.

It hadn't taken long for the base to become incredibly interested, and amused, about said song. Said song was thereby repeated and it eventually found its way into Ratchet's medbay.

Ratchet then discovered where Bumblebee and Sam were located and took it upon himself to retrieve the slaggers.

So it wasn't too much to say that there were a bunch of _unsurprised_ soldiers when the golden Camaro came flying through the front gate (which fortunately was up as Bumblebee had the foresight to send an electronic code to raise it; he had no desire to replace the gate…again) with the menacing Hummer mere feet away from his rear bumper.

Being on base seemed renew Bumblebee's energy, which had been lagging a little due to the intense high speed chase. The golden mech sped up and managed to ditch Ratchet with a series of quick maneuvers around parked tanks and Humvees, and then around and into the open doors of a hangar, where he promptly screeched to a halt and let out (re: forcibly ejected) Sam and Mikaela.

The Camaro shifted to his mech mode just as Ratchet also screeched around and into the hangar. If ever Sam could be terrified (and he had faced down Megatron, Starscream, _and_ the Fallen; not to mention that he had seen the Primes themselves up close and personal like), it would be now. He had never seen such a menacing sight in his life, and things seemed to get worse when Ratchet transformed and seemed to tower even taller than Optimus.

Bumblebee stood in front of the two teens, much as he had when he faced down Barricade in the Giant Droid Deathmatch, and looked pleadingly to his CMO. "Don't hurt them, Ratchet! It was, uh, all my fault?"

"You're in my territory, youngling," the chartreuse mech said in a low voice. "And in my territory…" A wrench appeared out of thin air and Ratchet flipped it in the air, caught it, and flipped it again, all without looking. "…things tend to happen."

It was then that Sam realized they were in Ratchet's medbay and the teen tried to help his best bud. "It's not completely his fault!"

**CLANG!**

Bumblebee's servo rubbed at the new dent in the side of his helm. "Ratchet!"

"Don't you dare 'Ratchet!' me, Bumblebee!" the mech fumed and took a menacing step forward. Another wrench was in Ratchet's other servo and he pointed it at Sam. "And do not try helping him, Samuel. I know all about your part in this, so do not think you're getting off easy."

"But it was all me, Ratchet! Really!"

The medic glared down at Sam. "_Really?_"

Sam gulped and took a step back. "Um…yeah?"

Mikaela, who had taken to hopping up and sitting on the hood of a nearby Humvee, snickered.

Sam glared at his girlfriend. "This is all your fault!"

Her snickering cut off with a disgusted snort. "_My_ fault!" Mikaela glared back at him. "Sam, I told you that song sucked! You just made it suck even more. I can't believe it's possible, but yeah, it sucks even more."

"But 'Kaela!" Sam whined. "We were really creative and stuff! Do you know how long it took to put together all of those clips?"

"Um, Sam?" Mikaela's glance flicked from Sam to Ratchet and back. "I don't think you're helping your case out at all."

At that, the dreaded song blasted out of nowhere. Ratchet's voice choppily belted out over the rhythm of the song. "_I don't need to try to control you! Look into my optics and I'll own you! So why don't you move, you fragger, move, you fragger…"_

Ratchet calmly, but forcibly, flung a wrench directly at Bumblebee, who dared to duck out of the way. The wrench made a whooshing sound as it flew through the air and thudded with a loud **CLANG** as it met its final destination.

The music cut off with a yelping sound and a shiny silver Corvette hastily backed up and out of sight. The music resumed when 'safely' out of wrench reach and trailed off as the Corvette's tires laid down rubber in Sideswipe's haste to flee to safety.

In a twist of irony, Bumblebee muttered, "Fragger."

"Oh, I'll deal with him as well," Ratchet said darkly, then brightened. A happy Ratchet wasn't always a good thing. At this very moment? It meant that shit was gonna hit the fan. "As a matter of fact, Bee, why don't you follow Sideswipe and I can deal with both of you at the same time."

Bumblebee noted that it wasn't a question. "B..but…"

"You get a very generous breem head start before I follow," Ratchet said calmly. "And then I'll show you the many reasons why you should never attempt to humiliate your medic."

Bumblebee took a stumbling step backwards, then to the side so he wouldn't step on Sam, and shifted down into his Camaro alt-mode. With tires screeching, the golden mech tore off and in the same direction that Sideswipe had.

Ratchet stooped down low to look Sam directly in the eye. "You will be dealt with after those two glitches."

"Oh…uh…" Sam blanched, then muttered, "Fuuuuck."

"I told you I hated that song, Sam," Mikaela reminded him, but said it gently. "Don't worry, I'm sure he won't be as harsh on you as he will with the others."

"You're right, Mikaela," Ratchet rumbled. "Brilliant apprentice that you are." He shook his head. "At least it's not as bad as when Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are working on a prank together. This one was tame."

"Does that mean you're not mad?" Sam asked hopefully.

"Fu_uuu_ming!" Ratchet said cheerfully and almost sing-songy. "Just wait until those two have their next tuneup." He grinned darkly. "And that might be coming up sooner than they expect." He shifted into his alt-mode, engine growling. "Much sooner."

"I thought you were giving them a head start!" Sam blinked. "It's only been, like, a minute."

"A breem, half a breem, close to a breem," the Hummer shifted his right side in an up and down motion that would be a shrug in mech form. "I'm so angry I just can't tell the difference."

And with that he sped off after the two 'Bots. The two humans ran after the medic, but he was out of sight by the time they got out into the sunlight. A small group of N.E.S.T. soldiers had also gathered to watch, but quickly scrambled to resume their duties when Lennox, who was swiftly walking towards the medbay, glared at them.

"This your doing?" Lennox asked when he walked over to Sam and Mikaela.

The girl pointed at Sam. "Solely his and Bee's masterpiece."

"And Sideswipe," Sam added numbly.

"Sideswipe?" Lennox echoed.

"Yep," Mikaela clarified with a slight shrug of her shoulders.

"Why the hell would you guys tell Sideswipe?" Lennox looked confused. "That's just asking for whatever it is you're doing to be broadcasted all over the base."

"Or the world," Epps grinned as he walked up, iPad in hand.

"Whaaa?" Sam asked blankly.

"Just this," Epps said as he held up the iPad. He was watching YouTube, which had a video (actually it was audio only, with random pictures of a certain lime green H2 Search and Rescue Hummer) of the dreaded song. It already had 10,254 likes, 12 dislikes, and 35,980, er, 36,245 views. The comments ranged from "OMFGZ!1! Your to funny!" to "this dood is skilled!" to "FTW!"

"We should, um, probably delete that video," Lennox said, though he was grinning.

"Yeah, ah, probably," Epps said, even though he'd just tapped "like" and added it to his favorites.

"I'll go call a meeting with Optimus," Lennox shielded his eyes from the sun as he saw Sideswipe and Bumblebee roaring back into sight, though both now bore plasma blast marks and numerous dents on their alt-modes, and then out of sight around another hangar. Ratchet followed soon after, siren wailing and lights flashing.

"Probably now," Epps said.

"Yeah, definitely now," Lennox agreed, then pointed a finger at Sam. "_You_ will definitely be there."

It was with a lot of dismay that Sam watched the two soldiers walk away. "My life sucks."

Two slender arms encircled his waist as Mikaela leaned against him. "No, it doesn't."

"Yes, it does! I'm about to die, 'Kaela!"

She hummed at that. "Well, at least you're not gonna die a virgin."

"_Mikaela!_"

She laughed. "You're so fucking cute when you scream like that."

Sam rolled his eyes.

"Even though what you did was incredibly stupid."

Sam snorted at that.

"It was also very sweet."

"…what?!" He stared at her in disbelief.

"Mmhmm," she snuggled against his chest.

"I seriously do not understand girls."

"Yeah, it's best not to try," Mikaela said with a little laugh.

"Sooo, do you still hate the song?"

"Oh yeah," Mikaela nodded as Bumblebee came squealing around a nearby hanger, with Ratchet hot on his bumper. "I think I might hate it even more now."

A well aimed shot took out Bumblebee's front left tire and the mech stumbled to a bumpy halt.

Ratchet shifted back to his mech form, wrench in servo, and advanced upon the ailing, and wailing, Camaro.

In a last ditch effort, maybe to placate the medic or maybe just in a poor attempt at humor, Bumblebee's radio suddenly blared out, "THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL!"

Sam and Mikaela both winced at the resounding noise the wrench made as it connected with Bee's hood.

Bumblebee let loose a weak car alarm _chirp-chirp_ as he surrendered to the medic.

Ratchet stood over his future victim, victorious.

As for Sideswipe? Well, he was already secured in the med-bay, ready for his tuneup.

x o x o

So, okay, anyone here ever see those videos of the President or other celebrities where they take basic audio and put it to song? I think they did one for the President with Carly Rae Jepsen's song, and I know I definitely saw one of him "singing" the Pokemon theme song. Those videos must take a long time to do. Anyway, that's pretty much what Sam and Bee did, only they have Ratchet singing that Dreaded Song.

What dreaded song? Maroon 5's _Moves Like Jagger_. I don't know if Mikaela really does hate that song or not, but I had a vision of Bee getting chased by Ratchet, and Mikaela saying she "might hate the song even more now" stuck in my head and this is the story sparked by that scene.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Song disclaimer is at the end of the story for spoilers sake. As in I didn't want to spoil the twist. Okay, so it wasn't much of a twist. Was it funny though? Just a bit? n_n See? Happy Face.

**Song** **Disclaime**r: The following songs are property and copyright of their owners.

_Moves Like Jagger_ belongs to Maroon 5. They can keep it. I can't stand that song (obviously).

_As Long As You Love Me_ belongs to the Backstreet Boys. Viva la BSB!

_What Makes You Beautiful_ belongs to One Direction. I like that song, but it's not mine. Sad face. u_u


End file.
